Joe Camel (joecamel) wrote,
Joe Camel

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…And we’re back.

I hope everybody’s been doing ok. I’ve been all right, half the time anyway. I’ve been kind of manic/depressive since my girl died, but I’m getting by. The manic part isn’t so bad this time of year, with the end-of-semester crunch and all. Its also given rise to another of my brilliant get-rich-quick schemes, which will be put into action later this evening. Want to hear it? (Don’t tell the other guys…)

I love poker. I’m not great at it, but no matter how much I win or lose I always have a good time. In one of my depressed moments, I decided that this was a foolish attitude to have about anything. This pessimistic moment was followed by one of the manic moments that gave me an ingenious solution to being a so-so player. But before we get into that…

God damn, I am teh hawtness. I love myself. Look at these sturdy hooves, this beautiful sandy mane, this distinguished hump… But wait! What’s this?

There, do you see it? Between the shoulder blades! Sweet Jesus, it’s the most badass poker tattoo ever! A vaguely spade-shaped… thingie, topped with an actual spade, which is filled with fire, which wraps around a skull with an ace of spades for an eye patch! Holy God!

Yes, this is my brilliant plan. With this baby, I will clean haus at the tournament tonight. You see, normally I’m not so good at figuring out the odds, reading the other players, pretty much all the things you need to know to be any good at poker. This tattoo simplifies everything. My opposition will either be thinking A:

“Oh, shits! Did you see that?! Oh man, this guy’s so into poker he’s got it tattooed on his fucking neck! No way I’m butting heads with this guy!”

Or B:

“Oh, shits! Did you see that?! Did you see his neck? What a fucking idiot.”

Now all I need to figure out is whether I’m up against a type A or a type B. If its type A, I’ll bully them into powder, and they’re a B, I’ll be able to suck them dry, and they’ll never see it coming.

Yes, there is an obvious flaw in the plan, "What happens if I'm going up against an A and a B at the same time?" …but whatever. I never think that far ahead when it comes to permanently marking up my body in places where everyone can see. Ho ho.

And yes, its really me.

So what's next?

Come on, do you even have to ask?



[update, 3:00am: I can't believe that it actually worked...]
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