THIS IS RUMOR CONTROL...
…AND THESE ARE THE FACTS:

1. NO, I AM NOT DEAD YET. The run-in with the sasquatch was nowhere near fatal. If you ever find yourself in a scrap with a sasquatch, get in close under his reach. Once you’re too close for him to swing at you, just smack him a few times in the face and he’ll take off. Unfortunately, this one snuck up on me and got in a few good hits before I figured out this little bit of strategeriousness, so if you haven’t seen me lately, its probably because I took a few days off to recuperate.

Either that or its because I’ve been working a lot. The transition to the company that bought my contract (Blueblood Parasecurity & Legbreaking Associates, Inc.) seems to be going smoothly enough. If I’m lucky, they’ll keep paying me to sleep. If I’m unlucky, they’ll make me a licensed private investigator and put me through weapons training, which isn’t bad in and of itself; it just means I’ll have to jump through a lot of unnecessary hoops just to keep sleeping in the office.

2. YES, TRIFECTA IS FUCKING GREAT. I’m already itching for the next one.

3. YES, I BROKE UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND. We had a good run, but it was time to trade her in for a newer model. Some of you may already know the new future Mrs. Camel. Her name’s Ashley, and she comes with a number of significant upgrades – sexier voice, brighter and more carefree outlook, and on average, better in bed. Plus, I think I get to keep my trophy status (i.e. she buys me everything).

While we’re on the subject of break-ups…

4. YES, THE BAND IS OFFICIALLY BROKEN UP, BUT…

5. NO, IT DIDN’T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH “ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES.” The drummer and the vocalist were going after the same girl, things got a little out of hand, and I’m sure you can imagine the rest.

6. NO, DAVID MILLER HAS NO ROMANTIC INTEREST IN MY SISTER. David was kind enough to squeeze in a few minutes with me in between producing the They Might Be Giants album (probably releasing July) and shooting a Steve Burns video to share his thoughts on the good doctor:

“Well, she’s quiet. And nice, I guess. I don’t know. Whenever I’ve been around her, she didn’t speak at all. I guess she probably hates me.”

7. NO, I’M NOT TAKING ANTIDEPRESSANTS OR ANTI-ANXIETY MEDICATION OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT. I feel fine. (How did this one get started anyway?)

8. NO, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SASQUATCH (pesvastus pilosis).

9. NO, I DON’T HAVE A TATTOO OF A FLAMING SKULL WITH AN ACE OF SPADES EYE PATCH BETWEEN MY SHOULDER BLADES. Or rather, I did until the damn sasquatch snuck up behind me and clawed it clean off.

I just thought you’d want to know so you wouldn’t get scared away from the charity poker tournament Stick and I are putting together. Proceeds will end up in the paws of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. All you soulless degenerate gamblers out there can finally feel like you’re doing something good with your habit, and for all you rookies out there, what better time to learn a little more about the game? You can also support our marathon runner, LJ, by donating online (Visa, MC, or AmEx only). But yeah, its gonna be good. I’ve been dreaming about this.

I’ll tell you about the dreams later.

Stick and I should have the tournament details hammered out Any Day Now, so check back here in a week or so.

Seeya soon.